Slash and Hack - a hypothetical resignation song

Slash and Hack

I think the end has come; it’s time to pass on the gun.

With my head smothered by the noose,

I’m counting all the things I have yet to lose.

Moving on to life and a bunch of new things,

I think I’ll have to add some new unclipped wings,

But wait how can I get over all this so soon and clean,

When I’ve been stung by a 300 pound bee sting.

The desk collectibles remind me of such wonderful times.

Got my first pay-cheque, hey that’s my first stapler!

And that’s the picture after my first deal-breaker!

Under that squeaky drawer is another with my petty change,

With some 50’s, 25’s and lots of 1 solids,

But this is the pettiest change I’ve ever seen arranged.

Looking out over the cubicle for a sympathetic dame

Out of my lens not knowing how to change this frame.

Realizing why would one look at one devoid of fortune, fame and glory;

Realizing I made my life a slasher flick - all blood and gory.

Driven into the corners like some bitch called torrie,

One of the chicks killed in the middle who acted all too horny;

Chopped up for fun, probably made into a zombie

To go out and do the mindless bidding of the master,

Sent out to be ripped out limb by limb

But I still can get why the lights on me must dim.

And when the blood ran out and the chainsaw silenced,

And with the axe , still lodged in my chord spinal.

I begged and pleaded to tell me what made me so banal,

All you could say was “Hey man, I’m sorry.”

Is This Eternity?

Eternity is a word is easy to understand, it just means 'all time'. I mean it all time just put together. From the beginning of all time that ever existed to the end of this 'time continuum'.

We as humans or as any living organisms in this universe have a very vague idea about time though. We seemed to have taken, and by we I mean I, have taken Einstein's idea of relative or personal time a little too haphazardly and a little too much as a lay term.

We humans especially, to gain complete mastery over the planet, firstly, have drawn very flexible but most importantly comfortable ideas of 'time'. For Example (popularly known as 'e.g.') take our history or text books for instance: we take millions of years of evolution of the planet, the species, cultures, rituals, religions (with respect to time), civilizations, wars, rises, downfalls, etc. as mere a numerical figure which just fits nicely between one placement of the wrist on the paper to the other. We sit back and look at what we wrote; our accomplishment, writing 2 million years or 200 years of slavery or 1947 or anything and revel at our brilliance of writing down the date or period during which somethin something happened.

And yet when it comes to basic yet the most common sense lines like, "you never step in the same river twice", "Time and Tide wait for no one"; bottomline time goes in one direction.

Every moment doing one particular thing in your life can never be changed. I cannot change the words that i have written and you cannot take back the time you have spent reading these words and do something else. Something you only think of after you've finished the act, read the words, sprayed your children over the commode. Just think about it.

Every moment we do anything! Sit, walk, laugh, burp, glare, fear, feel guilt, mull over something will be etched in the history of your life forever. What you did on 7th June at 3.38 in the afternoon will never change, whether courts believe it or not. And this is the thought that is hitting me. Your, my, our lives will always be naked and truthful to us no matter what we do (though memory loss is an option).

My other point was, i stress on was as i seemed to have footed drunkenly through my previous paras (sans alcohol) that: Imagine (not the Lennon song)
Imagine...what if you led everyday the same.
Imagine ...what if you led everyday the same.
Imagine...what if you led everyday the same.
Imagine ...what if you led everyday the same.

it would be the same as reading the above sentences, i mean theyre all the same, im not gettin anythin new from them, but Ive already committed to reading them. Ive read them.
I cant un-read them.

I cant un-live them.

Such a scary thought.

Disgust

'Its just a disgusting feeling, with no devil in his workshop.'

have you ever known the feeling of having nothing at all? fuck all the bullshit talk of a home and food and the basics of life. i mean having nothing in your mind, just a void.
an empty space struggling to morph.

the music just runs over your skin, it isnt even able to inject or even prick through that fat exterior.
the mouth opens but it has nothing to put into the air. eyes are open but look at nothing, not physically blind. just paving a way for your body to drift through.

I thought that it these times when the mind is truly open to ideas and thoughts, reflective and profound in nature, but it seems that there is a place, much lower, much much much much lower, where the undercurents of life in this planet just glide over. you're not at the place of all encompassing vision, you are the man stuck under the crust of the earth, hearing nothing but the footsteps of life walking over you. you hit against that ground from the underside but all you do is manage to loosen the earth over your head and make your eyes blind with dust.
and then your arms tire, your eyes tire, your lungs refuse to take in the heaviness and infact gladly accept the stale easy air.

your core has given up.
your mind has split up into functions.
each function is wrapped in its own tick tock. they run because...they run.
and that screaming just becomes more silent. transformed into thoughts which get put into that blackbox of your head.

trapped inside a trap.

this is that lowest of lowest place.lower than hell.

the place where even the devil wont dare giving you company.

20 ducking 1.

My birthday just ended...correction; My 21st birthday just ended.
Since the past 2 days i have been trying to think rationally about this 21st occurrence of my birthday... Is it that I am celebrating having lived 21 years of rich life? or maybe the fact that I had 21 years of blissful experience which i should reflect upon? Or does it mean that now I can legally do the things which I had been doing illegally?[ i.e. drinking, not marriage]

I was confusing my head with the same questions above only 10 times more, that's not too much of an exaggeration is it? not saying 100, 1000 or 100000000000. Just 10, enough for my brain to execute its daily commands but just enough to confuse it and restrict it from really get to my feelings/thoughts surrounding this 21st birthday. The fact that with all the stories and preconceived events which one and all attach with a 21st birthday celebration was the one of the most consciously obstructed thoughts in that sealed off aka restricted area didn't stop me from actually thinking and confronting it finally, well it was more of it confronting me but nonetheless.

Blaring music, heavily smoked ceiling-restricted atmosphere lingering, alcohol drenched clothes and conscience's, blurred vision in spite of the correcting focals.

I have/d my own stereotype surrounding my own 21st birthday where I would welcome and be welcomed into the 22nd year of my life and conquering the moment of my birth as a viking on his homeland,

lol...such stupid dreams, but who said stereotypes were correct anyway!

Maybe i wanted them so that I could feel important or maybe i want/ed that so that I would feel special or maybe so that I wouldn't feel like a lonely sap waiting and watching the sun descend into the edge and hence not be pitied upon. But yet when I could have had an inking of that feeling which i longed..no no.. hungered for... by just mooching off some money and picking up people, who are don't care about anything other than a good free time,
I still didnt do that.

I chose to be at home alone.
I chose to see that i was stupid to say the line ,which i typed above, in my head at the peak of the sun's ascent.
I chose not to long for blissful ignorance which was pumped with adrenaline and pheromones.

Why?

Because, celebrating being 21 years closer to death doesn't pep me up. Hating to be with family which i love [ i know im contradicting myself, but when do i not?] didn't make me feel that good about being the person I am and still becoming. Wanting the attention of unknown strangers to justify my existence doesnt at all fill my balloon up with happy helium!

And Finally,

Having to pay for so many people for my birthday celebration and with no guarantee of gifts with high return/exchange-values didn't make my wallet lunge out at me to empty it.
[metaphorically speaking of course]

AND all this is after I have learnt and gotten comfortable to mooching off others.
[ who are all close and imp to me]

Love you All :)

Stupid Posts

I hate blogging when i dont feel driven to write.Its the sheer joy of hitting those keys rhythmically and hitting a musical level with it that makes me feel content like a gourmand.
Have you ever felt that?

So many times I've checked my blog thinking what would logically follow these 3 prior posts but till now I hadn't realised that this was my place to exercise my freedom of my speech.
And something as simple as this freedom of expression fires me up.

I know what you're thinking right about......now. What the hell is he pulling out of his behind and defecating upon us?

My answer:

There have been times like these when I have been looking helplessly at my computer screen, doing some stupid project or empty notepad and just hitting the keys, generating a dumbed down of weirdly familiar techno beats, luring inspiration/passion to pass me by.

It never works.

How does it work?

Next blog...

A non-personal example

Its such a damned feeling when someone you love is in pain isn't it?

Some of the worst times or feelings i have ever felt is when my loved one is hurting on the inside and I cant do anything to make it better. That aching helplessness, call it guilt or whatever, feels like...well...endless..like this sentence.

Whenever you learn anything about any kind strategy, the first thing you are told of is planning. They cant stress enough the importance of planning and preparation to any form of strategy, they will stuff it down your throat and beat you on the head if you forget to plan your plan of action;
but
the more important aspect of strategy isn't planning as we know[debatable] its action!!! the actual doing!!! and why am I lecturing on planning here?

because!!

it is true in everything other than business...and something which no matter how much i shout out and realise and review and readydise[new word] is something i cant exercise.

I'll give you a non-personal example :-

• say there is a boy called B and girl called G
• B screws up
• G is pissed off
• B apologises

[this ladies and gentlemen is the crucial part]

• B describes and plans how he will rectify everything
  
• B describes and plans how he will not repeat the same mistakes
  
• B describes and plans how he will be better than before!
• B describes how he will...[insert exaggerated claim of your choice here]
• G forgives and hopes for a sunnier day
  
• B screws up again.[Repeat all the above steps as many times as humanly possible]

Now that was a non-personal example which gets my point across.

Action was, correction, the Right Action was the missing element there. Planning and thinking and contemplating is as useless without the corresponding action as is this web-log without any posts.
So is the case for worrying and thinking about someone else's pain without getting up, going there and doing something about it. Then its just a selfish reflection of sympathy, which no one deserves.

I've rambled enough, screwed around enough with you right now. Too much randomness has been splattered here and I'm getting tempted to delete all of this right now...

should I delete???

Nahh..I'll do it later. I have more important things to do instead of this,
I've got to plan tomorrows day after all!!!

{I love you G}

Cherished Loneliness

It is the new year...the third hour of 2008 is on.

This is the time of the year when people celebrate their guts out. A time when people leave all those inhibitions away and do as they always desired, or so it is perceived.
This year I thought i'd try something different...No out of bombay plans, no parties, no friends, no lover and even to some extent no family.

I happened to be lying across a bed watching tv with my brother at my gran's house when the years changed and was sweetly interrupted by my mom's ecsatatic leap sounding 'Happy New Year' to everyone. After a couple of hugs it went back to the same, i returned to my sloth-like posture and spread myself on the bed again. And that's when all the memories of the previous new year celebrations flooded me.

I couldnt remember the alcohol but i could recall the high it gave, i recalled all those 'unforgettable moments' which never struck me till until now. I remembered all the adrenaline highs and the pure bliss of it all and then it struck me. That familiar uneasy feeling, which you get when you're waiting for a cab when you most urgently need it, took over me.

I called everyone, i needed to feel tht revelrie; I urged for the bliss and so I set off from home. I landed at the nearest Pan-patti [Muchchad] bought my stock of cigarettes and set off walking home. I had armed myself with my uncle's i-pod and played random songs. I needed to wear off this feeling of loneliness as fast as possible...and just when it was getting unbearable, this sweet piano piece which I couldnt place started playing and it calmed me and then the familiarity grew on me.

November Rain. Now im not a GNR fan by any stretch of the imagination but at that moment i never felt more connected to any piece of music more than that song. The words began hitting me, literally talking to me "Nothing lasts forever..". I was talking to the song, pleading it forward. But the icing was the line "Everybody needs some time on their own". That line just killed me. I wished there was someone i could show this to! but then the irony of my want hit me again, and I just smiled and walked on.

The song took me through the journey...which i cant describe... it turned my head and showed me sights of people celebrating and then thrust before my eyes of familes cuddled up on the footpath, protecting their loved ones from the elements.

I dont profess to know what the song means, but I took whatever it gave me and what I was able to take.

That was one of the best moments I have ever shared with myself. I wish everyone is lucky enough to feel that...that...oneness with yourself; if that makes any sense at all.

Happy New Year Everyone.